its going to be hot out today and i am not one of those who can relish in the heat. it makes me dizzy and faint and sends my heartrate through the roof. but, despite all this, i appreciate what it does for others and that it causes the smell of wildflowers to erupt on the paths i walk. i am all worry recently, i have something to do at the end of the week that i am dreading and despite it being tuesday i feel shrivelled in my shell. i take to repetitive activities; picking my phone up when i’d rather not and thinking the same thing over and over. repetition is my safe haven when things go south – the feeling of a small routine is wonderful even when the world throws heavy waves at the bow of your ship. i’d like to switch to helpful repetitive activities as opposed to ones that bring me a churning stomach. i feel like staying in my bedroom all day and getting scared, like hiding from the world in slumber. i get so scared when things will be okay. everything seems to be so scary recently and i am proud of being brave. i do want a safe space where i can tap out of the horror-fest, but unfortunately it is all inside my brain. i am not being attacked, nor am i in any danger. the alarms just ring in my ears from the rest of my prior experiences. everything sees to fill me with dread.