it takes courage to enjoy it

yesterday I sat for an hour and watched a busy street. I noticed the curvature of the circular motion of life, with its intricacies and unique patches unfolding in front of me. I watched traffic lights cycle with different cars passing through, the sun flowing over my back like a stream. a young child kept nearing me to stare at the keychain I had made with friends one day. circling, to the rocks, throwing them at the gutter, back to my keychain. everything seems like the moment before something goes down the drain. I am not sure I will ever get over how everything connects. every week seems to go so slowly, yet a year goes by so quick. looking backward is only sometimes a lead to a solution, I think. looking forward is less than staring into a wall, it seems like a waste to keep guessing and I want to get out of the habit of doing that. I try to soothe myself with past patterns, but I never guess that everything will lead me to a good scenario. its always hellish. something drastic, I know a lot of drastic things have happened in my time but each day of bore and waiting far outweighs the terror. but the brain will focus on the big red alarm, even if its only the ringing in your ears after it has ceased. I would like to learn to enjoy the bore and waiting and not get frustrated by empty space. not everything has to have something inside, not every glass is full and that is okay. empty and silent space. what a wonderful thing. a pause in a sentence is not a failure on my part. in a perceived high pressure situation, you do not have to ramble or fill in gaps. silence is uncomfortable because the distraction of action is gone, for now. I am going to go and sit in silence now for a while.