being public

I have been in limbo for far too long. I want routine, I achieved one of my major goals for the year and felt scared. I want practice, want to be wrapped up and resting. seeing people on public transport and talking to taxi drivers. making the same mistake far more than twice like a madman. I never learn. I am all want, no action. I’ve always found peace in my brain, retreated there when things get scary outside. but I’m trying to live life when you don’t even have to try. it just happens, then its over. spread like thick layers of oil paint, suffering is so universal that you don’t have to try with that, either. suffering just happens. your cat has his spot on the couch, the clouds dissipate, rain falls, you will always miss that bus. and I just watch it from my little window. I am built to observe, to consider, to think and perceive but never to do. doing is not my thing. apart from all the times in which I happen to do, which seems to be continuously now that I think of it. these keys wouldn’t be tapping themselves. but being a walking oxymoron is my thing. I know that for sure. I get tired of having my eyes open. I am going to reread some of my goals and (maybe) act accordingly.